plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
why do cheetos always look like penises
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
