Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
