One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
