My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
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End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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