I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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