my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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