Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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