Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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