I am in a vortex of obligation.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
