My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
