Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
