my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
