I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
