I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't think brook has ever known best
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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