you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
