I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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