toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Did I show you my penis last night?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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