Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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