I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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