brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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