So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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