you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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