I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
