it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
