First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
