We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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