i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
