I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
