She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I met the friendliest cop last night
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
