Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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