My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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