broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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