If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
