never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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