oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my poor anus
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
