Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My cat gives me a boner
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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