I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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