Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
