She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
