Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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