So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
