Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize