Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
