No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
