yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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