The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
