Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
