So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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