so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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