chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
