You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up under a house in Key West
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
