Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
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I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
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Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
last night I used snow as a chaser
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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