She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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