Someone shattered a urinal.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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