running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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