apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
