You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
