i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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