Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
