No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
