So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
