Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
