Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
