he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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