I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
