You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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